Fearful Revelation or a Blessing from God?

This past week, has probably been my most vulnerable. My mental state was really starting to wear on me as if I was stuck in a small space, not being able to breathe. So one night, I was watching videos and texting friends, and I felt something so evil like run through my body. For a split second, I felt jealousy and spite rise through me, and I knew I wasn’t myself. I had just been so negative the whole day and I told myself, this isn’t you. So I decided to get up and pray. I prayed that God would make me into the best me, I could be. I asked for him to heal all the broken parts of me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I really just asked him to heal me and help me stay on the right path and not to stray. After praying for five minutes, I felt so relieved. Like a weight had been lifting off of my shoulder. I told myself that this was the way to be. That asking God to heal you, was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. The first day after prayer just seemed so surreal, I was calm… I had no worries, no fears, no hate in my heart. I even got signs that God had listened to my prayer and in the strangest way, it reassured me that he is real and that he lives through me.

So that brings me to today, a day that will forever leave a mark on me. I went to the doctor, not really giving it much thought nor did I think I was going to leave with the possibility of having a syndrome of some sort. The question I had been asking myself for years, was finally solved…sort of.

It’s called PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. And for me it was the most devastating news, because for you know me, you know that I want a bunch of kids. Now there’s a possibility that I won’t have my big family or be a soccer mom. At the same time, it was an answer from God. I had asked him to heal me and this was his answer. If the test comes back positive, I probably will cry but I won’t be sad. I will let God be my beacon of hope. That I will be better than ever. I would feel very abnormal, considering I have to do twice as much as a regular woman. Truly, I wouldn’t feel like a woman, but I’m slowly starting to realize that I shouldn’t feel that way. This was God’s plan and I am so thankful that he gave me the answer I was possibly looking for!

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