I was told that there was more to life
There comes a point In time where you have to let go of everything you once knew. That the pain you feel is not infinite. Through time, you will find yourself in a better place. I received a phone call from my doctor, basically saying that my ovaries reflected the ones of a woman who has already went through menopause. This was not the news I was expecting, because I felt like my dreams had been shattered. The thought of never having the ability to carry my child really frightens me and it most definitely makes me feel like I am not woman enough. To take in all of this information, I couldn’t help but to cry. I wasn’t crying because I went through menopause, I was crying for my future. I hate to have a negative mind, but my future just seems so dim. Everything I once wished for is slowly falling apart. My heart is aching for me already, because I know every man I encounter will look at me differently. That I will be the cause as to why me and my partner can not have a child. I fear being left alone and that I will haunt myself with things that are not in my control.
I am only eighteen and I deal with anxiety and depression, and I occasionally deal with life changing events.
I always try to think a year ahead, and I always try to make myself feel better saying that I won’t be in the same place or mindset a year from now. Finding out this news broke me, I feel so numb to all the pain I feel. My feelings are very scattered and I’ve become super emotional. Little things have become ticking time bombs waiting for me to explode. I’ve always knew in the back of my head, that I would never have children of my own. I’ve also knew that I would probably never find love and that if I ever did, I would mess it up. Therefore, me crying had nothing to do with the phone call I received. I was crying because it had confirmed everything, that I would live a shitty life and have to watch all my friends and family create their own families. That I will be the one aunt, with no kids giving everyone else’s child a piece of me. When I had wrote my previous blog post called “ a letter to my first born”, I was writing it based off hope. Sometimes I question what am I living for? Where am I going in life? Who will love me unconditionally? Who will stick by my side? These are questions I won’t know until its time. I know I’m young and I have time, but life moves fast. Time changes everything and things and people will not wait for you.